Judas (Part 3)
As I lie on this hard mattress that has become my new bed and watch the sun stream in through the window, my thoughts involuntarily focus on my first night with Neil in this new hellhole. After he raped me. After he left me lying on that filthy, coarse carpet and then came back for me a few minutes later. The sounds from the scene replay themselves over and over in my head, as if on a tape recorder. I have no choice but to listen…
"Neil, please…"
"Please what, my little Judas?"
"Please stop…please."
A kick A punch.
"I have to be certain that you’ve learned you lesson. I have to KNOW that you will never betray me again."
More punches. Another kick.
"I won’t…please…"
"Tell me that you’re sorry for your treachery."
"I’m s-s-sorry…"
"Beg me to forgive you."
"I’m begging you, please, I’m begging you…Whatever you want just please stop!"
"I have to be certain. I have to know that you have learned your lesson…"
We danced like that for awhile, with him hurting me, my begging with him to stop, until the pain was kind enough to overwhelm me and I lost consciousness.
That was five days ago. And now I do nothing but lie and wait for him to return to me. After all what else is there to do but wait?
A soft knock on the door and I know that he is here. He always knocks. The door opens and he enters, walking in with a small smile on his face.
I stare at him in fear.
He sits down on the bed next to my body and stares at me for a moment. The moment extends, and I feel as if I am somehow being violated by his eyes. The urge to turn away is great. Suddenly his hand is on my face and caressing my cheek with unnerving gentleness.
"The bruises make you look so beautiful," he says as he continues to stroke.
I say nothing. I merely look at him and wait.
"Beautiful, beautiful…traitor."
He leans forward and brings his lips to mine, kissing me, tasting me. I do not respond but I do not flinch either. I merely lay still and let him assault my mouth, let him claim it as his own. His hand has wandered from my cheek to my throat. He strokes it almost absently.
He pulls away and looks at me; studies me.
"Judas, I have been thinking…" he begins.
I cringe inwardly. Something is not right here. Not that anything is ever right, but…something is more wrong than usual.
"I am asking that you not speak or interrupt me in any way until I am finished with what I have to say, is that understood?"
Tiny slivers of fear make my throat constrict and I find that I can only nod.
He is pleased anyway.
"Despite your cold betrayal of me that resulted in my imprisonment, I have decided that I want you. I wasn’t sure at first. I thought that I might be so angry with you that I would have to kill you, but now I realize that I just cannot do that. I must have you with me, in my life. I want you here forever…"
I swallow as the rhythm of my heart begins to speed up, but I remain silent.
"But obviously, keeping you chained and handcuffed all the time will eventually becoming tiring and cumbersome for both you and me."
Oh God…
"So, I have decided to do something that will me to keep you out of the chains, but that will not allow you to escape me."
A whimper escapes my throat as the fear begins to escalate.
He laughs softly and nods. "Yes, you know it will be bad, don’t you? It will be bad, but after it is over, I will care for you and I will tend to you and I will not touch you again until you are well. How does that sound?"
I shake my head desperately and manage to whisper, "No…"
He smiles his lizard smile and says, "But you don’t even know what it is yet, Judas."
I am incapable of saying anything else, the fear is building and robbing me of coherent speech. I only know that this will be bad…this will be so bad.
He reaches behind his back and pulls something out. My eyes focus on it…it is a knife. No, not a knife-a dagger. With an intricately designed handle and a sharp point.
He presents it to me. "It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I got it today, just for this occasion." He pauses and runs his finger along the blade. Blood wells up instantly. He leans in and asks breathlessly, "Do you know what an Achilles Tendon is, Judas?"
"Oh God…" I say in a voice so full of terror that I don’t even recognize it as my own.
Neil nods almost sagely. "You will be awake while it happens. The pain will be good punishment for you, I think."
My heart is hammering so loudly, I fear it will explode in my chest. I can’t breathe, I can’t move, all I can do is pray that this is not real.
It is real.
He grabs my leg and brings the dagger down, and although I struggle and kick out, it is already too late. The blade has sliced through me as if I were non-existent. The boiling heat that is the pain rages through my body and begins to smother me. How can anything in the world hurt so badly? How?
"Neil, please…God, don’t do this…please. Oh God…"
Is that me? Is that my voice pleading?
I think it is, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters now but the hot, red agony that is consuming me, that is causing me to scream and thrash as I were no more than a savage animal. The dagger has come down again. It has cut me again. As the red flows from my body, it also flows through my brain and mercifully, finally, I begin to slip into oblivion.
And as I sink into the darkness, I can hear my mind beginning to shatter.