Judas (Part 4)
A soft rap on the door.
I wait. I would say come in, but my words don’t matter here, so I wait instead.
He walks in and takes his position next to me on the bed. His hand reaches out and ruffles my hair slightly. I don’t shrink away. I merely wrap my arms around my waist and shudder. Yes, my hands are free. There is no longer a need for handcuffs. Neil was right about that.
Neil found the perfect way to keep his captive docile. Even if I were to miraculously overpower Neil with my fists, I would not be able to get very far. My legs are useless now. There is no point in even trying.
"How are you feeling?" he asks judiciously, almost kindly.
Why does he ask? He has done this every day since he crippled me; almost as if he really cared.
"Fine," I whisper and it is the truth. Enough time has passed since that day that the wounds no longer ache.
A smile from him. "Good, good." His hand moves from my hair to my back. He begins to trace patterns on my bare skin.
"Today will be playtime Judas. Doesn’t that sound like fun?"
I don’t even look at him when I answer. "Whatever you say."
"Exactly."
With a slight push he turns me on my back and the game begins. The dagger, the same beautiful, deadly dagger that tore my legs apart, is at my chest and is marking me with its blade. My blood flows, my nerve endings scream in pain and yet no tears fall from my eyes.
Sometimes I don’t think I have any tears left to shed.
After an endless time he is done with the dagger, and as his puts it aside, his teeth invade me, as do his hands, and eventually…HE invades me. He pushes himself into me and I manage to stifle a cry. As he begins to move inside my body I turn my head away from him, from it, from everything. My eyes move wearily around the room, focusing on nothing in particular, until…
I see it.
The dagger; so solid and deadly, its tip shining crimson with my blood.
He has left it on the nightstand beside the bed. He has been getting more and more careless around me since he took my legs and rendered me helpless, but this…never in a million years would I have imagined that this was possible. I turn my head to look at him. He is still moving inside me, his face buried in the hollow of neck. He does not even see.
I turn back towards the dagger and tentatively reach out for it. I am so frightened that he will see this and punish me for it. Despite this, despite the black cloud of fear, I continue to reach. My fingers touch it and then my hand wraps itself around its handle and for the first time in so long, an eternity it seems, I feel human again.
Human.
Not just some kind of object that Neil can manipulate and own. Not some kind of toy that he can use over and over again for his pleasure. No, I feel human again and I feel something that I have not felt since first encountering this monster. I feel angry.
I let the anger wash over me and I relish the sensation. I embrace it. And then, quickly, without thought, I bring the dagger over and force it into Neil's back. And then I do it again, and again. I bring the dagger in and out of his body, tearing him open with his own weapon. I am pleasantly surprised to see that it slices his flesh just as easily as it slices mine.
The sounds of Neil’s screams pierce the air. He is pulling out of me, his hand going to the wounds in his back. The pain makes him clumsy and he falls to the floor with a heavy thud. I sit there staring at him, willing him to just DIE, while he stares at me. The look on his face is one of anger, pain and surprise. He cannot believe that I have done this.
I look into his cold eyes and whisper, "I betrayed you again, Neil. Your Judas betrayed you."
I expect an answer, but nothing comes from his mouth save for his final life blood. He spits it out, coughs and groans. Then, his eyes lose their focus on me, lose their focus on everything, and I know that he is dead.
He is finally dead.
I sit unmoving for a moment, unsure of whether I should be laughing or crying. Perhaps both?
Yes…both.
While my sobs mix with my hysterical laughter, I manage to lower myself to the floor. Then slowly, I crawl out the bedroom door and down the stairs until I find what I am searching for…a phone.
I crawl towards it and reach for it with shaking hands. It is then that I realize that I still hold the dagger in my hand as if it were a lifeline. I set it down gently and lift up the receiver, listening closely for the tone that signifies that it works. The tone comes and for a moment I am too overwhelmed by my emotions to do anything but sit there and weep.
Can this be real? Is this really happening or is this merely a fantasy that my mind has created for me to escape the pain? Am I really still upstairs on the hard mattress while Neil punishes my body?
God, am I? Am I losing my mind? This seems so real. I look down and see that blood covers my body like a shroud. The blood is hot and it sticks to my skin and…God help me…this is all real.
With my trembling hands, it takes me three tries to successfully dial the number that I wish to.
I hold my breath and do not let it go until I hear a voice on the other end. A human voice. A voice that will help me. Please help me.
"911 operator. What is your emergency?"
My throat closes up and I find that I can barely breathe, much less speak.
"Hello? What is your emergency?" the voice asks again.
Through sheer force of will, I push words past my throat. "I…I killed him…" I rasp.
"Sir?" the voice is very alert now. "Who did you kill?"
"Neil. I killed Neil. I killed him." The sobs return.
"Are you certain that he’s dead sir?" the voice asks.
I again look down at myself, and the blood gives me my answer. "Yes…I’m sure."
"Alright sir. Can you please tell me your address?" the voice asks.
I look around wildly. "I don’t…I don’t know. I don’t know where I am. I’m sorry." More tears, more desperate sobs.
"That’s alright sir, we can trace the phone call. I just need you to stay on the line. Can you do that?" the voice asks kindly.
I nod, and through the tears I manage to say, "Y-y-y-es."
"Good. Ok, why don’t you tell me your name sir?"
"My name?" I ask dumbly.
"Yes sir. Your name."
"I…I don’t…he calls me Judas, but I don’t think that’s…" More sobs, I can no longer see, the veil of tears is blurring the my world.
"Your name is Judas?"
I shake my head although the voice doesn’t see the movement.
"I’m not sure…I used to know…"
"You don’t know your own name sir?" The voice is skeptical now.
Instead of answering I sift through the remains of my sanity, the sanity that Neil so methodically and gleefully destroyed. I sift and search and finally I find something…something that seems familiar. I grasp onto it with my last remaining strength and the next words are whispered in a mixture of uncertainty and hope.
"I…I think my name is Chris."
I nod, satisfied with that answer. Yes...I think my name is Chris.